It's been a minute...

Hi! Remember me? Tatiana the expat blogger that constantly thinks "today is the day that I get back on the blogging bandwagon. Today is the day I get myself sorted out and finally finish all my draft posts and put all my lovingly laid plans for this space into action."

Here's the thing, I can think those things all I want but in reality if you don't actually DO anything about the things you are thinking of doing then nothing gets done. Go figure.

So here I am, in the middle of April finally admitting to myself that thinking all these things isn't good enough, I should probably actually do them.

So here I am, actually writing for the first time in a while and you know what?

It feels good!

A bit of a struggle, I feel out of practice, rusty if you will, but it's a nice feeling.

So what HAVE I been doing with all my time when I was saying I was going to write but was lying to myself?

(if you don't want your bubble burst about my luxurious life in Switzerland I would suggest you scroll to the end. There be dragons ahead)   

Honestly, I've been a garbage person. This has been coming on for a while. It was one of those things I could see coming and I just couldn't be bothered to stop it. I have not been kind to myself. I've been allowing myself to be consumed by some pretty epic self loathing and an inability to pull myself out of a pretty nasty rut. What started as a little funk turned into anxiety, depression and self-hatred.

Everything and everyone was stupid and I didn't see the point in anything.

But I'm also a people pleaser. So while getting out of bed every morning was a struggle I just did it. Now, people often tell you to just keep busy and put one foot in front of the other when you feel like this. To be honest, those people suck. Busyness in the name of not dealing with what is actually going on with yourself or in your life is not healthy and I wish we would stop telling people to "just keep busy." So I got out of bed every morning and walked through my day with a fake "everything is great" smile on my face and hoped no one would notice that I was in pieces.

Being in pieces is one of the reasons Johnathan sent me to see my parents for a few weeks at the end of February. The main reason was that I just needed sometime with my family (and we surprised my dad!) But I also needed to not have any responsibilities or have anything to worry about. I just needed to be in my parents space, cuddle their cat and do my cross stitch. I just needed my family. Badly.

And it helped.

A lot.

Then I came back. And I felt caught between two places. Canada home and Switzerland home. I didn't want to be here but I also didn't NOT want to be here. I felt lost but I forged ahead surely the feeling would go away.


And then there I was crying in my bosses office on a Thursday afternoon.

I dropped my basket.

All the expectations that I felt everyone had of me became way too much. I couldn't be everything for everyone all the time anymore without completely losing myself in the process. I felt like nothing I was doing to keep my head above water was helping and I felt like I had no one here to help me.

Then what happened?

Well I cried, a lot. Over stupid things and over things that were not. I took a few days off. I started saying no to people. I started reading a book called "Eat, Drink, Run" and I started to realize things needed to change but not in one fell swoop of busyness and productivity. No it had to be small. I had to ask for help. Everyone else can just wait while I figure myself out and turn this ship around.

What about Johnathan, where was he in all of this?

He was doing what he could. He was a champ. But I won't martyr him. During this whole thing neither of us were our best selves at certain points but we worked through it. He supported me as he could. But it's not his job to fix me or make everything okay for me. It's his job to help me out and occasionally remind me to just sit down and do some cross stitch.

So now what?

Things are better. Not perfect but I'm not waking up every day hating everything so that's a start. I've stopped being so hard on myself and I've started realizing I'm a human being with flaws who sometimes drops her basket but she's super lucky to have people in her life who will pick it up for her.

 What does ALL of this have to do with me writing again?

Everything and nothing at the same time. I wanted to write and I needed something to write about and this is it. But at the same time I couldn't have written about anything. I haven plenty of draft blog posts I could have finished instead. But instead I chose to be honest about the fact that I've been hiding from the world, and that includes my blog.

Thanks for making it through my catharsis. I appreciate it. Really, I do.

Moving forward I've properly set aside time to actually cultivate this blog like I use to. I've spent 9 years building this little corner of the internet so I would hate for it to just disappear. I've got drafts to finish and adventures to share.

I started this blog because I was lost. I think I've lost my way again so hopefully this place can put me back to where I need to be.


Stephanie Roberge said…
I'm glad you are happier and I look forward to reading your blogs again :) Take care of yourself