|The night before we got married; Photo credit: the incomparable Colin Corneau|
Getting to our 9 year anniversary has not been easy this year. John and I actually had to have the conversation a few weeks ago of, "are we going to make it to 10 years?" At that point we weren't sure. We didn't know if we were going to make it. John hasn't been home much this year. I've been busy with work and writing. We've been just existing in our marriage with brief glimmers of hope here and there. The world sees a couple who has their shit together. But what we see is a couple who on most days were barely hanging on.
Things were ugly and we weren't sure if we could come back from the cliff we were so obviously trying not to fall off of.
Things have not been great and only now are we starting to climb our way out of a very dark place. But there is hope and with flashlights in hand we will find each other again. So friends and family don't fret, we're fine. We're fixing things. We're working not only on this weird thing we call a marriage but we're working on ourselves. We're both hurting but we're fixing things. Nothing is broken, just a little bruised.
We've figured out one thing already though. We still love each other and we don't want to give up on this dream life we have built together. We dreamed this. We dreamed the life we have now the day we got married. We were asked to set intentions for our marriage and living overseas and living our life in a way that we dictated and not in a way that others dictated were two of the intentions we set. This is our dream. And we didn't give each other permission to screw it up.
I totally get that this seems like a totally weird post to be posting on your wedding anniversary. I get that. But at the same time I would be lying if I blogged about how everything has been so wonderful because it hasn't been. Things have not been wonderful. We've had amazing moments of wonder this year. Moments that we clung to when things were at their worst. And remembering those moments while we're healing is what is going to get us to our 10 year anniversary.
The other thing that will get us through is the conversation we had two nights ago. I asked John knowing what he knows now would he choose me again. He said yes.
I would choose him too.