"I took your dreams and I put them with my own"

The night before we got married; Photo credit: the incomparable Colin Corneau
When John and I got married we had no illusion that this would be easy in way, shape or form. We knew it would be rough and that we would have to take the good with the bad. And when things are good they're great. But when things are bad they're, well, not awful but bad doesn't seem to cover it either. When things are bad they're...a vortex of hurt.

Getting to our 9 year anniversary has not been easy this year. John and I actually had to have the conversation a few weeks ago of, "are we going to make it to 10 years?" At that point we weren't sure. We didn't know if we were going to make it. John hasn't been home much this year. I've been busy with work and writing. We've been just existing in our marriage with brief glimmers of hope here and there. The world sees a couple who has their shit together. But what we see is a couple who on most days were barely hanging on.

Things were ugly and we weren't sure if we could come back from the cliff we were so obviously trying not to fall off of.

Things have not been great and only now are we starting to climb our way out of a very dark place. But there is hope and with flashlights in hand we will find each other again. So friends and family don't fret, we're fine. We're fixing things. We're working not only on this weird thing we call a marriage but we're working on ourselves. We're both hurting but we're fixing things. Nothing is broken, just a little bruised.

We've figured out one thing already though. We still love each other and we don't want to give up on this dream life we have built together. We dreamed this. We dreamed the life we have now the day we got married. We were asked to set intentions for our marriage and living overseas and living our life in a way that we dictated and not in a way that others dictated were two of the intentions we set. This is our dream. And we didn't give each other permission to screw it up.

I totally get that this seems like a totally weird post to be posting on your wedding anniversary. I get that. But at the same time I would be lying if I blogged about how everything has been so wonderful because it hasn't been. Things have not been wonderful. We've had amazing moments of wonder this year. Moments that we clung to when things were at their worst. And remembering those moments while we're healing is what is going to get us to our 10 year anniversary.

The other thing that will get us through is the conversation we had two nights ago. I asked John knowing what he knows now would he choose me again. He said yes.

I would choose him too.


HomoHausfrau said…
What an honest post. Thank you.

Marriage is hard. Some days you actually have to make the conscious choice to be in it, when it's just that much easier to run in the opposite direction and be alone.

Huge hugs, and happy (belated) anniversary. I'm always here if you need to chat :)
Dani said…
I know I'm posting too long ago- followed the link from your most recent post. You might never see this, but oh well... ;)

But I so hear you. I understand. I actually wrote a similar post for our 6th anniversary. I didn't think we'd make it to 6. Have you heard "Just Give Me a Reason" by Pink? Your line above "nothing broken, just bruised" reminded me of it...

I have it linked into my blog post I similarly wrote.. in 2014! :)

<3 Glad you're finding joy together again! :)
Tatiana said…
Totally saw this Dani ;)

Thank you for your words. And for letting me know our struggle isn't one that is unique to us. We're not alone in this. And YES I love that Pink song. So much.

I read your post, thank you for sharing your own journey.
Dani said…
HOORAY! I've been thinking about you for the past few days. Hoping all is upwards from here! :) I'm sure the work you're doing now will help forever more! :)