|Oma and I circa 2006|
The book I have kicked and screamed at for the last 3.5 years.
The book that I tell people I'm writing...and I am...that is currently a collection of thoughts, ideas, scribbled moleskin notes, post its, bursts of inspiration on long train rides or while waiting for the bus and cue cards.
So many cue cards.
The book that I have wondered if it's actually in me to write.
In moments of extreme doubt I honestly wonder if the book actual ever existed in my brain or if I just wished it into being or hoped that if I put it out into the world enough that this was my intention that it would magically happen.
Books don't magically happen I've learned.
I skyped with my Oma the first Christmas we lived in Switzerland. We skyped from our Brazilian friends apartment and she was at my Aunts house.
My then 84-year-old Oma was using Skype. This woman remembered when refrigerators were the height of new technology and here she was using Skype.
Her stroke that had happened the previous year had stolen her ability to speak confidently. But she sat and listened as John and I went on about our life here. Oma asked me in German (the stroke didn't steal her German completely so take that stupid stroke) what I was doing with myself. My Auntie Mindy told her, "she's writing her book remember." My Oma smiled...she remembered (hallelujah!) and my Aunt then said, "and when she's done, we're all going to read it." My Oma smiled again and said, "Na yo." Which is low German and has several meanings but in this context it meant "of course."
She passed away a few months later.
She will never get a chance to read my book.
Hell there may never be a book for anyone to read. I don't know.
I don't mean to sound overly dramatic. But I need to be honest with myself there is a strong possibility this book may never happen.
Does this mean I won't try? No, not at all. I would rather prove it for myself about the existance of this alledged book or not.
Some people tell me I need to build the habit of writing. I've tried that. Believe me I've tried all the things in all the books people tell you to read when you want to write a book. Build the habit, have a dedicated writing space/time/tiara. I have planned things. I've written by the seat of my pants. I've tried writing 2000 words a day come hell or a pile of dishes. I've tried writing first thing. I've tried writing last thing. I've tried writing at home, at starbucks, by hand, by typwriter and by dragon dictate. I've tried it all.
What I haven't tried is just doing it. I've spent so much time trying to build the habit and preparing to write that I actually haven't written.
So what I need to do is just write...and maybe a book will happen. And maybe it won't but at least I can say I tried...rather than tried to try.