I feel compelled to speak to some pretty special women.
It's Mother's Day tomorrow and while you might be celebrating the woman you call Mom I want to take a moment and celebrate you.
You who have been made to feel like you're "less than". Like you've failed as a women, a wife, a daughter or daughter-in-law because you have yet to bring forth a new generation of person to your families. You have been ditched by friends because you just simply wouldn't understand because you don't have children. You who have been made to feel like your problems are nothing because you don't have children therefore your problems are meaningless. You've been made to feel defective, wrong and second class because you simply for one reason or another can't, won't or haven't grown a little human inside you.
I want to celebrate you.
People have said some pretty ugly things to you. Every time I think I've heard it all someone comes up with a new and interesting way to reinforce the fact that I have failed to successfully combine my dna with my husbands. Some of these people may even be members of your own family. People who are suppose to love and support you whatever life throws at you.
"It's a shame you haven't made your in-laws grandparents yet."
"It's a shame you haven't contributed to your husbands family by having a child."
"Don't you WANT your parents to be grandparents?"
"What do you mean you don't know if you want to have kids? Everyone wants kids!"
"Having children will give you something do."
"Your writing won't look after you when you're old."
"You've been married for [insert years of marriage] what's the hold up?"
"You have a niece, don't you want to give her cousins to play with?"
"You're missing out on so much!!!"
Let me just say this to you. You who have chosen to be child-free. You who have had your body choose for you. You who have not a hot clue about whether or not you want kids.
You are NOT selfish.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
You aren't missing out.
It's okay if you don't know.
And it's NOT shameful.
I celebrate you for living your conviction that you would not be a fit parents. For your bravery in the face of infertility where you're poked and prodded in a world that largely doesn't get it. For your honesty when you say you don't know if you even want kids.
I celebrate you. The ones who are Aunties and Godmamas. The ones that bite holes in their tongue when family and friends say stupid things. The ones that don't bite their tongue and put idiots in their place and defend their choice loud and proud. The ones who have tried and tried but can't. The ones who have tried and lost and tried again and lost again.
I don't have a sparkly card for you. I don't have a brunch you can attend. I don't have a special flower arrangement to give you. But I do have my words. I can give you my words of celebration and my words of thanks.
Thank you for getting it. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you crying with me when the hurt thrown at me becomes to much. Thank you for understanding what I mean when I say I feel second class. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for telling me it's okay that I don't know. Thank you for telling me role as Godmama and Auntie is important too and reminding me that I have a front row seat to the life of three special little ones and that's pretty awesome. Thank you for giving me courage to tell people to go to hell when they ask about when I'm having kids. Thank you for giving me a safe haven away from the baby obsessed universe that sometimes threatens to swallow me up.
Thank you for existing.