To the Non-Moms


I feel compelled to speak to some pretty special women.

It's Mother's Day tomorrow and while you might be celebrating the woman you call Mom I want to take a moment and celebrate you.

You who have been made to feel like you're "less than". Like you've failed as a women, a wife, a daughter or daughter-in-law because you have yet to bring forth a new generation of person to your families. You have been ditched by friends because you just simply wouldn't understand because you don't have children. You who have been made to feel like your problems are nothing because you don't have children therefore your problems are meaningless. You've been made to feel defective, wrong and second class because you simply for one reason or another can't, won't or haven't grown a little human inside you.

I want to celebrate you.

People have said some pretty ugly things to you. Every time I think I've heard it all someone comes up with a new and interesting way to reinforce the fact that I have failed to successfully combine my dna with my husbands. Some of these people may even be members of your own family. People who are suppose to love and support you whatever life throws at you.

"It's a shame you haven't made your in-laws grandparents yet."

"It's a shame you haven't contributed to your husbands family by having a child."

"Don't you WANT your parents to be grandparents?"

"What do you mean you don't know if you want to have kids? Everyone wants kids!"

"Having children will give you something do." 

"Your writing won't look after you when you're old."

"You've been married for [insert years of marriage] what's the hold up?" 

"You're selfish."

"You have a niece, don't you want to give her cousins to play with?" 

"You're missing out on so much!!!"

Let me just say this to you. You who have chosen to be child-free. You who have had your body choose for you. You who have not a hot clue about whether or not you want kids.

You are NOT selfish.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
You aren't missing out.
It's okay if you don't know.
And it's NOT shameful.

I celebrate you for living your conviction that you would not be a fit parents. For your bravery in the face of infertility where you're poked and prodded in a world that largely doesn't get it. For your honesty when you say you don't know if you even want kids.

I celebrate you. The ones who are Aunties and Godmamas. The ones that bite holes in their tongue when family and friends say stupid things. The ones that don't bite their tongue and put idiots in their place and defend their choice loud and proud. The ones who have tried and tried but can't. The ones who have tried and lost and tried again and lost again.

I don't have a sparkly card for you. I don't have a brunch you can attend. I don't have a special flower arrangement to give you. But I do have my words. I can give you my words of celebration and my words of thanks.

Thank you for getting it. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you crying with me when the hurt thrown at me becomes to much. Thank you for understanding what I mean when I say I feel second class. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for telling me it's okay that I don't know. Thank you for telling me role as Godmama and Auntie is important too and reminding me that I have a front row seat to the life of three special little ones and that's pretty awesome. Thank you for giving me courage to tell people to go to hell when they ask about when I'm having kids. Thank you for giving me a safe haven away from the baby obsessed universe that sometimes threatens to swallow me up.

Thank you for existing.


farfromhomemama said…
This is such an amazing post.

I have two little boys and while I love them more than anything, I don't believe that you need to have children to lead an awesome, fulfilled life.

Life with children is as equally joyous and sometimes frustrating as a life without them.

It's not better, just on a different path.

That said, I am guilty of asking people if they'd like to have children. Out of nosiness rather than because I think they should. Should I stop?
farfromhomemama said…
P.S. I don't celebrate Mother's Day. I think the concept is a pile of pants.
Tatiana said…
That's such a good point, no path is better it's all just different.

And I don't think you should stop asking if people would like to have children. Just based on how you're asking. You're saying like versus when and I've always appreciated people who do that.
Jaimée said…
I can't stop reading this, I want to share it with everyone. Thank you so much!
Anonymous said…
Thank you. Thank you so much.

My favorite line is, "You can't wait much longer! Your eggs will dry up!"

I've often been made to feel that waiting, and wanting to be sure that I'm ready, was somehow selfish.

I really appreciated this.
Anonymous said…
I completely agree with the above commentator. I want to have kids (though not ALL days, some days I recite my mantra "Cats... I like cats") but I want certain things before I have kids, preferably a wedding and a house and there are other days I panic and think I should be having kids this second. It's crazy what societies pressure can do to you.
AG said…
What a lovely entry! :) Hello, fellow expat! Lovely blog you have! As one of the co-hosts from the My Favorite Posts Weekend SHOW OFF Party! I wanted to personally thank you for linking up with us & to invite you to add me to your G+ circles or follow me on Twitter or Facebook as I’ve done the same with you. Also, I run a link party on my food blog, Anyonita Nibbles where you can link up recipes or food related posts. This week’s party is here:
Awesome post for non-mommies! I'm a mom but I've geard people say things like that to non-moms. I will celebrate with you :). Thanks soo much for sharing this @ The SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party!

The Wondering Brain
Anonymous said…
Thank you for this article, it was quite unexpected. I was convinced that no one cared that I feel like a second-class citizen or like an outsider in every social group I attend. I was convinced that no one cared that I feel like barely a speck on a windshield when it comes to churches, theme parks, festivals, etc. You have shown me that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, darn it, non-mommies like me.
Tatiana said…
Non-mommies absolutely like you! I like you! And you're welcome.
Anne Marie said…
This made my heart really happy. As you know, Ive been struggling with all the society shoulds and what I want and how Im going to get it, so, I definitely appreciate this.
Sylvia Veronica said…
Thank you so very, very much! I stumbled across your blog and love this. Sometimes, I spend mother's day in tears feeling terrible, but your words give me courage!!
Tatiana said…
Hi Sylvia, glad you found me and I'm even more glad I could give you some courage!