We go home in 4 days. Wait scratch that. We go back to visit Canada in 4 days. Wait...where is home again? We feel so torn. We've both said something to the effect of, "when you say home are you meaning Canada or here?" We're torn and confused. We want to visit. We can't wait to visit. But we're not ready.
We're trying to get in seeing everyone. We're afraid peoples feelings will be bruised if we can't meet with them in a meaningful way. We're trying to schedule time with friends, family, places, grandmothers who we need to say goodbye to and just time for us to decompress and process being back in the place where every body knows our name. We're trying to get our brains around we've been here almost a year.
Packing is giving me stomach aches. Trying to schedule things is giving John a head ache. We want to go and see and be and enjoy but we're not ready. We're not ready to put our life here on hold, our little bubble with just the two of us, on hold. We're not ready to reintegrate (even if its just for 2 weeks.) We're not ready for the flat (even though we crave it), we're not ready to let people back in because we're so use to communicating with them via email or skype or facebook (even though we desperately need to hug people.)
We want to visit home. We want to be in the presence of the familiar. We want to see our godchildren and niece not through a computer screen. We want to hear my family laugh. We want to sit around John's parents dinner table. We want all these things. So we'll have to ready.