A crisis of faith

Week 2 of NaNo has almost come to a close and I have a confession to make...okay I have several confessions to make:

1. I hate my story.
2. I really really really really hate my story.
3. I am doubting my abilities.
4. Have I mentioned I hate my story?
5. My story sucks.

How could I hate my story? It's MY story after all. I think I came to the conclusion that NaNo is NOT the time to write what has been dubbed by my friends and family "that book." NaNo is not about "that book" it's about A book regardless of what it looks like. For me it's not a time to write a serious piece of literature. I was not prepare to do that at all. I was prepared for silliness. I was prepared to write something goofy that probably included a random paragraph with a pet cat name Aloysius  who can tap dance on demand.

I may or may not have yelled at John about NaNo this year. Yeah...I yelled at John about how much I hated writing this story. Like it was his fault. Okay...I may have told him it was his fault. For being all encouraging and uplifting and supportive. That jerk! Where does he get off being a good supportive of your dreams and taking that part of our wedding vows seriously? That Cad!!

The old adage is to write what you know. Yeah well I know a lot of about smoking meat but does that mean I should write about it? No. I know a lot about post world war 2 Canadian social history does that mean I should write about that? No. I know a lot about living on the prairies and calling it home, does that mean I should write about that? Not really. You need to write what you know AND what you like. Writing what I know has brought nothing but annoyance and bitching on my part. NaNo is not meant for this.

Yes I will write "that" book whilst I'm here. I can't deny the not so still small voice in my head when I met Jo from Winnipeg at Starbucks. But here's the thing, I have THREE years to do that. THREE years. That is a long time in case some of you haven't noticed. We have been here THREE months. That's NOT a long time. I don't need to do everything in the first three month. I don't need to force the reason I'm here. I don't even know for sure if that's the reason I'm here. I just know I'm here and it may or may not be to write a book or two (don't read into that to much please.) Yes I ended up in a country is no brown sugar and 20 franc McDonalds big Mac meals without a defined purpose but that doesn't mean I need to force it. Big things are on the horizon, huge things, I am here for a reason that is bigger than I realize but that doesn't mean I need to force myself to do what everyone thinks I NEED to be doing. I just need to do my things and see what happens.

So what now. I'm starting over. Yes the horror. It's almost the end of week 2 and I'm starting my story over. I'm writing something fun. I'm writing something I WANT to write rather than something I think I should write. I'm going to keep the original NaNo 2011 transcript and maybe come back to it when I don't hate it. Or maybe I won't come back to it at all. But what I will do is use what author David Elias once described as "imagination in spades" and keep moving forward (yes it's true author David Elias told me I had imagination in spades.)

Ironically John got his hands on my favourite movie the other day. Meet the Robinsons. It's core message other than don't steal your dads time machine is, sure you failed but you need to keep moving forward.

I'm spending today writing. Tomorrow I'm going to a write-in at a Starbucks in Biel (RED CUPS ARE FINALLY HERE IN SWITZERLAND) John is headed to Malaysia and Indonesia next week so I won't have to care about paying attention to him and we'll see what happens. Who knows I could win it. I've heard of people starting 3 days beforehand and winning so really...ANYTHING is possible. I'll just keep moving forward.


The smell of smoked meat and sausage permeated the air January air of Maryland and Ellice. The Germans were at it again. They had immigrated to Canada right after the war with the expressed purpose of torturing Canadian souls with the smell of a different fire.

How's that for wrapping all three topics you mention into one. God, this is sooooooo easy. Narf! Can I do some more?
Jo said…
Jam, your Dad is hilarious. But seriously - writing a book about the place you grew up, the people who populated that childhood down through the years into adulthood - that is a story that needs steeping. Don't worry about it - when you go back to it whether it's in the next 3 years or 30 (I know, gasp, 30, but it goes faster than you think), the story will still be there. The fog will lift and you will know when it's time (gosh, that sounds so New Agey for such a down-to-prairie-clay kind of gal as I am.

It was fun meeting you through Nanomo. Keep writing. You have more talent and giftedness than you know. Jo