The dramatic re-telling of a meltdown

I'm going to be super honest right now. It's been a bad week. Really bad. As in, I haven't left the house in 4 days and thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to put on deodorant.

It is a well established fact that the husband and I now live in the land of chocolate, cheese, efficiency that makes the Germans look positively lazy and the Alps. Oh and tourist. Wow are there tourists here. Not 10 seconds go by when I'm in town when I don't walk into some poor tourists photograph. But my cohabitation with tourists is for an entirely different post. This post is dedicated to the fact I had my first IWANTTOGOHOMEWHYDOWELIVEHERE!?? crying fit yesterday.

One of the best things I ever learned from one of my derby sisters *coughfrostypeachescough* was that you should acknowledge your anxiety or worry but then just let it go. I'm paraphrasing, she sounded way more wise than I just did. Consider this my effort to acknowledge and then let go. Or as my mom always says, "Don't let it rent space."

I guess this is also my effort to prove that it's not all apple sauce and unicorns all the time. Moving internationally is HARD. Yes we are having an adventure but reality kicks in eventually.

John came home from work yesterday. He wished me a happy nate's first birthday (our godson turned 1 yesterday) then asked about my day. I started to cry. Scratch that...cue the ugly cry. After telling him to shut up and just let me talk he got a laundry list of complaints through tears and sobbing;

- We're STILL living out of suitcases.
- We're sleeping on a sofa bed.
- We only have 4 plates.
- I'm stuck at home by myself and still don't have any stuff. We have two armchairs and a table.
- My derby team would probably be going to the championship and I won't be there.
- Someone will be playing on MY team in MY place.
- I don't get to use my birthday present (tickets to Wicked)
- He had the gall to tell me what he wanted to get me for our anniversary but decided he didn't want to move it so now I have to settle for a Pdf of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking."
- I can't bake because we need things like....everything to do that.
- Everyone I know is asleep when I wake up.
- His idea of interacting with me as of late is being the same room reading.
- I hate our cutlery
- I own a 5 dollar Ikea frying pan when I had 30 dollar Paderno oven proof pan.
- All our favourite art work is sitting in a mailing tube in Canada including his 30th birthday present.
- Portage and Maim is having to SPAM alone for the September bout.
- My godson was 1 and I wasn't there. Who was going to make food for his party if I wasn't there?
- My goddaughter was going to were we going to take our traditional birthday picture?!?
- Who was going to buy our niece geeky shirts?!
- Why is it that he gets to have meaningful interactions with people but I don't.
- He better not say "Yeah but..." or "You know what you could do...." ever again.
- I might have to go to France to get Brown sugar
- I've dragged out a little DIY project for days for fear of running out of things to do.

And I'm pretty sure there were other things. Many many other things.

This is hard. Really hard. Now I understand a lot of that stuff above is easily solved. We'll eventually own more than 4 plates. We'll eventually have better flatware. I can just buy everything I need for baking. Portage is not actually alone in her SPAM duties. And we can still send our niece geeky shirts. And I will cheer on who ever skates in my place. Although it's true we might have to go to France to get brown sugar.

Now John was baffled by all this. Not that he didn't think my feelings weren't vaild. He thought they were very valid. What baffled him was the fact that his wife, the one that plans huge fundraisers that raise hundreds of thousands of dollars and derby bouts that attract over 2000 fans without batting an eye was overwhelmed and frustrated and scared. He finally looked at me in my sorry state and said, "Is this why you haven't left the house in 4 days?" Crap...he noticed.

I think right now what's happening is being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the decision we made. Overwhelmed by everything we still need and have to do. Overwhelmed by grief for our life back in Canada.

So what am I doing to fix this?

I have a to-do list today. I have a few little projects lined up so I don't run out things to do. We've planned another Ikea trip for Saturday. We've picked out a bed, a wardrobe and a desk for me. I will go to town today and get what I need to bake.

I'm also acknowledging this is hard. It's not all sunshine and group hugs. This is hard and will continue to be hard. But we'll be alright.


Jaimée said…
<3 you Llama. I wish I had flight benefits already so I could zip by for the weekend and go shopping with you!
Blonde Affliction said…
Poor Jam buster! It seems like you a hit a low. It happens. Now you just have to pull on your multi-coloured socks and get on with it. But, before you do, look at this for a tiny chuckle or three :)
Elfe said…
No. 1: Get a T-shirt that reads, " Don't bug me, I'm local"

No. 2: Have you considered volunteer work to help you assimilate into the local community? Mindy thinks a job as a coffee barista would also work.
Sarah said…
You are a preyy badass lady. That is all.