The long way round

I'm currently in the Chinook Lounge at the Calgary Airport. I'm watching the sun rise over the mountains. The last time I was in Calgary I was 17. The last time I was in the destination I'm on my way to was 3 years ago. I had just turned 24. I just just lost my Opa. I haven't been back since. My lack of visiting comes down to a few reasons, lack of time, lack of scheduling time, work, other trips and fear.

Yes, fear. I am terrified to go back to Edmonton. The idea of being in that house without my grandfather makes me feel some scary unwanted things. The day of his funeral still seems surreal. It kind of seems like a weird dream. Kind of wish it was. I've seen the house my mom grew up in change quite a bit over the years. I've seen them finish the basement, get rid of the shag carpeting and velvet wallpaper. I'll never forget when they finally took the plastic off the furniture in the living room. We've had to move christmas from the TV room to the living room as our family grew. I learned to walk in the back hallway. Johnny and I use to slide down the stairs of the basement on our bums for a lark. I still know where Opa keeps the fruitloops.

The thing is, Opa was there for ALL of that. ALL of it. Now he's not and I'm going to have to be a big girl and just deal with this head on. I don't want to but I have to. My mom recently visited for the first time since her dad died. That takes a hell of a lot more courage in my books. My brother has been there a few times since moving to Alberta and he says it's weird but okay.

Something happened after my Opa died. I became the worst granddaughter in the world. I know I'm not in my head but in my heart I feel like I am. I don't call as much as I should. I don't visit as much as I should. I suddenly became scared of calling my Oma Regina and not having my Opa ask me about weather and work. John and I planned to visit a few times but work got in the way and we have to cancel plans. I suck. Okay, I think I suck. I'm told I don't. I'm told I'm doing what I can from where I am. But I'm here now...well not quite I'm still in Calgary waiting for my flight. But I'm on my way and I think I'll be alright.

I anticipate a few tears but I'll be okay.


Llama said…
Be strong llama! <3