Friday, December 23, 2011

Tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year



In the time honoured Festivus tradition let us start with the airing of the grievances.

1. Friends and various family members we live in SWITZERLAND not Sweden. I refer you to THIS post for clarification. And no they're not close together. Read a map, pick up an atlas, google it.

2. To the slow walking Swiss. I now know why you're a neutral country. It's not because you want to be the dominant global peace making power...no, It's because it would take FOREVER for you to invade any country. You walk. so. slowly!! How you get anywhere is beyond me. Don't even get me started on you walking 4 abreast with all your shopping and your battle wagons...ahem...strollers.

3. To the tram driver who saw me running to catch his tram, acknowledged me and left as I reached the tram door...I hope you step on lego.

4. To the person who told me it was easy for us to move 7000 km away to a different continent because we didn't have kids....I hope your kid has colic until they're 18.

5. Air Canada. When I gate check something because you tell me it won't fit in your overhead bins and you tell me it will be AT THE GATE hence "gate check" I expect it to be AT the gate when I get off the plane. Not on the luggage carousel when I have an international flight connection and I've already been delayed by an hour and a half. My husband hated the derby before this but having to rescue my derby gear at an airport when we have an international flight to catch made his hate of the derby grow exponentially. If derby widows hating the derby was a sport Johnathan would win super president of the world because of you.

6. Dear Judgey McLamefamilymember von Busybody,Yes I am a stay at home wife, no I don't have kids you didn't know about, no I don't have a dog you don't know about, no there is no living creature here that requires me to stay home (well I do have a bonsai tree but it's pretty self sufficient) but I do stay home so I can write. No I'm not being paid to write. I'm sorry your view of the world is so narrow that you don't understand people following their bliss.

7. Oh TV, DVD player, PVR and Apple TV...stop being smarter than me...it's a little scary and unsettling.

8. Johnathan next time you mess with my holiday menu plans without consulting me....I WILL END YOU.

9. Hey super cute riding boots from H&M please stop giving me a blister. You're too pretty to do that.

10. Pinterest why must you be more addictive than bookface. I have things to do, errands to run, a life to have. But nooooo you have things...so many many things...things that need to be pinned and repinned. You give me the illusion of being productive, creative, inspired when really I've been sitting on the couch in my pj's surfing the internet for 4 hours. Pin It Now!

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