Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"This jobs too hard!!!!"

In July of this year I will have been married for 5 years. I will have been with John for 8 years. Now this is a drop in the bucket compared to people like my parents who celebrated 30 years in September 2010 and my inlaws who have been married over 30 years. Hell, some of our friends have been married longer than we have because we were behind the curve. A lot of our friends got married the summer before we did (exception to the rule, my best friend, she got married the same year I did, we like to be matchy matchy like that.)

When you get hitched no one hands you a book of instructions on how this whole marriage thing is suppose to work. Much like I'm assuming what happens when you have kids. No one hands you a magical brochure with everything you need to know. It's all trial and error and it's all a HUGE guessing game.

I have a few people in my life who seem to think marriage is all puppies and rainbows and wonderfulness and hugs. They're "those" people on facebook. You know the type, every status is about how wonderful it is to be married and how amazing it is to be with someone you learn something about every day. And how everything in their life is so insignifacant compared to the fact they are now married to their "soulmate/best friend/sweetpie kissy bear schnookumface." *barf*

Here's the thing, marriage is hard. It's really hard. Johnathan and I never went through a "honeymoon phase." If we did we got over it YEARS before we got married if we ever had one at all. So we didn't have that realization after we got married that everything wasn't all unicorns and apple sauce because we're pretty realistic people when it comes to our relationship. We didn't think marriage was going to be this magical lovefest where everything was just perfect and wonderful all the time. That being said, we are far from knowing what we're doing.

We both have had days where we wake up and ask ourselves, "What the hell have I done?" and "Why do I even bother." Now I know it might be blasphemous in some circle to even think about admitting that but it's true, those days happen.

I'm told the first 30 years are the hardest when it comes to being married. That sounds cute but I think it's true. It never stops being hard being married to someone. Johnathan and I look at our parents and think, "Wow that's a hell of a long time to be with the same person!" Both our mothers have been with our fathers since they were about 15ish...I won't do the math but in my mind that's pretty close to forever (no mom I'm not suggesting you're old.) I just know with time the challenges become different than the challenges we're facing now are. Hell the challenges we have now are not the same ones we had when we first got married.

Over the last little while as a wife I've been trying my hardest to be as supportive as I can. For the last year or more Johnathan has had a real shit work situation. I have no other better words to describe it other than that. I watched from the sidelines as his place of employment slowly but surely sucked the life out of my husband. It's hard to sit by and watch that happen but because it was because of something "outside my Juristiction" there was little I could do. Johnathan is a hard and dedicated worker and this is something that was instilled in him as a child. If you work hard and you are a good person good things will happen to you. But it was getting to the point where Johnathan was quite literally constantly working. He was on call more and more frequently as more and more people were quiting or getting laid off from his department. He was working at 4am while I was sound asleep because that blasted cell phone rang because something went wrong with some computery thing (yes very technical I am.) So after staying up for hours working sometimes from 8pm to 8am on bad nights with very little sleep he would have to trapse off to work to do all the stuff he actually needed to do. Before the on call shenangians he was traveling to the states for a week every month for six months.

It was hard to find someone to be mad at. That's one of my coping mechanism if I can't fix it I'll just be mad. How that helps I don't know but it's something I've always done. I was mad at Johnathan for letting it get to this point. I was mad at myself for being mad at Johnathan. And I was mad at his employer for stealing my marriage from me. It's hard to have a marriage when the other person has checked out due to stress and other negative outside issues.

It got to the point where I couldn't be the supportive wife anymore. I had declared this job to hard. That's a scary place to be. For my own mental health and my own happiness I needed to back off. He needed to fix this by himself. He needed to find his happiness again.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't give up on my marriage. No. I gave up focusing all my attention on Johnathan and his wellbeing because mine was suffering. One of the biggest things I took away from our pre-marriage couseling is that we are not responsible for the others happiness.

He had a change of jobs recently. He left where he was working for a new job. Before he started the new job he took three weeks of Johnathan time. I got my husband back. I got my marriage back.

I got my easy going smiley but slightly grumpy by nature cute irish guy that whistles all the time back. His new employer has no idea how much of a blessing they have been to us in such a short time. I am now watching him go confidently in the direction of what he wants out of life and that just makes my heart feel so full.

Oh and just for clarification I'm not an easy person to live with by ANY stretch of the imagination. Oh lord no. Johnathan is what I would call a long suffering husband. He has dealt with the derby drama, the melt downs, the decision to leave my last job, my struggle to write a book and several family crisis' with grace and good humour. And I know there are days where he would just like to throttle me (it seems the ALL the married ins in my family have considered this at one point) but he sticks by me because I'm pretty convinced he likes me as I am. I'll tell you a secret...I like him as he is too.

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1 comment:

  1. So true, T - so true. Marriage, to the extent it is wonderful, is wonderful because it's an accomplishment. It's wonderful because it shows us just how patient and loving we can be - and it gives us someone who, ideally, will still be there when we are none of the above. VERY true portrait of a real-life marriage and I appreciate that!

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