Saturday, May 14, 2016

A love letter to my body

Thank you Daria at Marla Machete Photography
Dear you,

I've known you for 32 years. And it's not always been unicorns and rainbows....it's been lots of rainbow clothing...but it hasn't always been easy. I haven't always been easy on you. I've pretty much destroyed your knees in one way or another. From the love of pratt falls in the 6th grade to rugby to derby to just not being careful. Your knees...yikes. They're okay NOW. But they weren't for a long long time. And then there is my lower back which I haven't been to kind to either. Oh the things I've lifted using my back and not my legs. Babies, groceries, boxes of books, luggage...so much luggage. And don't even get me started on what John calls my writers hunch and typist neck.

Body, I have not been kind to you physically we know this. We've always known this. I'm not the most dainty or careful people in the world. For a long long long time I just didn't care enough to be careful. This comes from my own notion that I'm invincible. I've always thought I would bounce back not matter what I did to you. Then last year sitting on a train after a derby bout in Germany you reminded me that I'm not invincible when basically it hurt to just sit still. Or even more recently after a 5 km run at the gym you basically decided I didn't need functional hips for two days. So yeah, I'm not invincible, and only now am I realizing I probably never was.
What I don't like to talk about body is that I haven't been that kind to you verbally. I can beat you up all I want physically playing derby or lifting heavy things at the gym you always bounce back eventually. Not as quickly as I would like some times but you do heal. The verbal beatings I've given you, you don't bounce back from so easily and sometimes I think you'll never actually heal from the verbal beatings.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for complaining about your thighs. Yes they're big. Nary a thigh gap to be found. But I did that. I created those. I should be proud. Roller derby made those happen. Walking every where made those happen. Being able to squat 40+ kilos made those happen. Being able to deadlifts my body weight, lunges, split squats made that happen. Running. So much running. All of that made that happen. My thighs aren't the way they are because of lack of movements. They are they way they are because I finally started taking my physical health and strenth seriously. Hell I even slapped a huge tattoo on one of my thighs. They are not only strong but they're art.

I'm sorry for complaining about your tummy. Part of it's genetics and part of it is that's just how my body it shaped. It's taken me a long time to realize that a flat stomach is a mythological beast, much like a unicorn or Beefsquatch. I can do crunches until I'm blue in the face but that tummy is not going to ever ever ever be perfectly flat. My core though...that's bad ass. So I might not have a six pack but I can do a one leg wall sit like no ones business. I was built with dangerous curves that make my vintage wardrobe look killer because let's be honest, sometimes you need a little extra to make that skirt or dress to fall just right. My tummy is the way it is and it's pretty great.

I'm sorry for complaining about your arms. I bench pressed a personal best today. 77 pounds. That's half my body weight! Seriously! Way to go body! You arms aren't kermit-esque. They're not just fit for hugging and lifting food to your mouth. They're fit...really.

I'm going to be nicer to you body. I'm going to stop the vicious cycle of anxiety inducing calorie counting. I'm going stop declaring nothing fits because I'm fat when really it's just my body changing. I'm going to stop comparing, worrying, fretting and practice what I preach about loving your self, your whole self, just the way you are. I'm going to take care of you in a way that I dictate and not in the way the world dictates.
The battle between you and I ends today.
I promise.

Love

Me


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